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Offline puppetmaster

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on: 15 Aug 2007, 10:35:05 pm
heres one for starters...........

Traveling in a train were a town fan, a haven fan, a spectacular looking blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the town fan had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible townie wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty townie laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) The townie thought - "That bloody haven fan put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) The haven fan thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid townie again."

the reverand, big mac

Just cause you don't understand what's going on don't mean it don't make no sense
And just cause you don't like it, don't mean it ain't no good

Offline puppetmaster

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Reply #1 on: 15 Aug 2007, 10:57:26 pm
heres another one..............

There's a Haven fan, Town fan, and Barrow fan all talking about their teenage daughters.

The haven fan says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!

The barrow fan says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!"

With that the town fan says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"
the reverand, big mac

Just cause you don't understand what's going on don't mean it don't make no sense
And just cause you don't like it, don't mean it ain't no good

Offline gushaven

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Reply #2 on: 29 Aug 2007, 05:55:49 pm
A  man, having split  from his latest girlfriend,
decided to take a  vacation.
He booked himself on a  Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other  people,
no supplies, nothing, only bananas  and coconuts.

After about four months, he  is lying on the beach one day when the
most  gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did  you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from  the other side of the island. I
landed here  when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he  said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat  out of raw material
I found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches,
I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from  a
Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you  get the tools?" the man asks.

"Oh, that  was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
a very unusual stratum of alluvial  rock is exposed.
I found if I fired it to a  certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the  hardware."

The guy is  stunned.

"Let's row over to my place,"  she says.

After a few minutes of rowing,  she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the  man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in
blue and white.
While the woman ties up the  rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the  man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As  they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call
it  home.
Sit down, please. Would you like a  drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts  out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop  of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut  juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.
How  would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to  hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts  and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman  announces,
"I'm going to slip into something  more comfortable. Would you like to take
a shower and shave?
There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the  bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made  from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells  honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside
a swivel  mechanism.


"This woman is amazing,"  he muses. "What next?"

When he returns,  she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
and smelling faintly of  gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer  to him, "We've been
out here for many months.
You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really  feel
like doing right now, something you've  been longing for?"

She stares into his  eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his

"Don't tell me  you've got Sky Sports"
Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when it is not their own!